I'm not sure why today is harder than other days. Maybe it is the announcement that a co-worker had her baby last night or perhaps the announcement that another friend is pregnant. While I am happy for them, it is a reminder of what we lost.
I keep remembering the ultrasound when we saw the baby's heartbeat. I wish I could go back to that day and appreciate the miracle that moment was. Knowing the outcome, Eric and I were fortunate to have seen it because soon after, the heart stopped. At the time of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong because the baby wasn't growing as it should and the heartbeat was not as fast as it should have been and that was all I could focus on. Eric was happy because it was his understanding that once you see a heartbeat, the risk of miscarrying goes down to 5%. I wish I could have soaked in that moment a little longer without the sadness and worry. Because we saw the heartbeat, the tech gave us the ultrasound photo and that is something I will keep and treasure.
This whole process is so heartbreaking and unfair. I know we should not question God's plan and I know this is for the best but it still hurts. It is a comfort to know that our two angels are in heaven playing together and looking forward to the day when they will have the chance to meet their mommy and daddy. I can't wait for that day either.
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